My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
