the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
