I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Ketchup is God's man juice
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
