did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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