watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize