me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
