Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
