Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize