just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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