This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
