I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
