when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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