i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
