i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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