I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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