We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
