I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
