Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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