my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
