Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
