Heybabeimwearingurpanties
that's an acceptable place to lick
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize