I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
not ubering you a puppy
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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