it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
