he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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