Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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