she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
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