Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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