I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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