She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
