i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
