Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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