my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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