Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
