I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
