What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize