Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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