Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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