i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
