Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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