I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
