Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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