I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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