You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
