The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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