All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
