we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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