u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
