is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
