Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
