We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
