I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize