i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
