Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
