Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize