Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
