I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
