My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
