is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
