A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize