ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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