My underwear smells like fireworks.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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