The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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