I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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