I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Randomize
